Today is the three year “anniversary” of the day my whole world was turned upside down. On this day in 2009, LK, my ex husband, sat me down at the kitchen table and told me he was out. He didn’t want to be married, he didn’t want the baby we had been trying to have, he didn’t want me. It felt eery and significant this morning, waking up alone, and yet not alone. Sure, I don’t have a husband to share my bed with anymore, but there is a wonderful child down the hall, and as I listened to him snore softly on the baby monitor, I steeled myself for the emotions that would come today.
But they never came. Not really. I am a little sad, but mostly for the life that I imagine having lost. The intact family, growing together and sharing a life of fun and learning. But we wouldn’t have had that. So I was glad that my first real emotion upon getting out of bed was that of exasperation. It is so funny to me that some people are so hell bent on being “right” or doing what makes them “happy” that they can’t let anyone else in the world tell them what might be enjoyable, or fun or rewarding.
That was how LK was. Especially near the end. And now, as I look back, he was so violently angry at me for wanting him to have a child, and now, he just picked him up for a weekend visit. He is now so in love with this child that he so easily and immediately abandoned. And in my head, all I can think is, “What a moron.” He missed out on Jack’s open heart surgery and the late night feedings and all the crying, mine and his. But then again, he missed out on the first words, steps and other milestones, too.
So, today, I mostly feel the amazing irony that is this life. He wanted the freedom to be with his girlfriend and travel where ever he wanted, and this weekend, they are, all three, driving to his alma mater for a football game. He wants to share Jack with his friends, and his past with Jack. And that’s great. I really am happy that they have a relationship.
Especially since I knew he would want this all along. And ironically, the best life I’ve ever had is the one with Jack in it, and LK far, far away…