When finding yourself requires a passport…

I often journal and last year when I traveled to London, I did just that.  Below is the first entry in my journal recording my trip, the first I had taken in four years…

October 31st, 2012:  9:50pm EST

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I awoke this morning with a mix of excitement and dread.  Excited about the trip that would begin today, and dreading the actual traveling.  Leaving Jack, leaving my young business, leaving my house and all my things and the comfort they provided me…  I actually thought, many times, about cancelling the trip.

In the past, I would have done just that.  Convinced myself that I had too much work to do at home.  That I couldn’t be so far away from Jack.  That I couldn’t afford it.  And while all of that is true, here I sit, in the International Terminal of Atlanta’s airport.

I was hoping for a sit down meal to linger over, because I had to be here so early, but the only food is food court style.  So, I had a crab cake and jalapeno and pepper jack grits and a sweet tea and observed the passing travelers.

I don’t usually wonder where people are traveling to or from, as most people do.  No, I am most often wondering if they are traveling on business, or for a vacation.  And I wonder if they left a family at home.  And I wonder if they miss the ones they left at home.

That is certainly due to my history of being the one left at home so often, and wondering, from my own house, whether LK was missing me or what he was doing while on the road…

But this trip is for me!  I haven’t had a real (international or plane required) trip in four years.  No, I’ve been at home, pregnant, or nursing a sick child, or raising a relatively healthy child, or nursing a broken heart, or staging my comeback, most recently.

So I really, truly hope, that this trip can be the start of a new chapter in my life.  A happier, brighter chapter, full of optimism, hope and opportunities.  A “reboot” of sorts.  People always tell me I have earned happiness, and that I deserve happiness, and I believe that for other people.  But for myself?  Not an easy entitlement to take on.

Happiness has, for so long, looked to me like marriage and a family.  But now I am, surprisingly, looking forward to a trip to London without a significant other.  I’m pretty sure that’s called growth.

And if I get home happier, rejuvenated and engaged in life again, well maybe someone will find me.  And if not, I will be all those wonderful things for me and for Jack.

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My next journal entry finds me freaking the hell out, having left Jack and barreling over the Atlantic Ocean, farther and farther away from what I know and love…  Check back soon!

Warmly,Maggie

 

Sometimes, it takes a year to start again…

Well, it’s been a year since my last post.  It seems like only days have passed, really.  I go through cycles of wanting to share, and wanting to protect my story, and the last 12 months were a protective time.  Now, I am feeling the desire to write again and to share my corner of the world.  It’s such an amazing life, and I’m blessed to be living it.

I have promised several friends, who have promised to become accountability partners, that I will begin writing again.  So below is a quick recap of the past year.  I will try to catch up and let you know the highlights of the past year in the coming weeks, and also write more regularly about life here with Jack.

As you may have noticed, I bought the domain name and have moved my blog from a free site to this one.  I haven’t “prettied it up” yet, but that will come in the future.  For now, I just wanted to make the change to a site I owned.  It just felt right.

And now….  The STAR of this show…

Sweet Baby J is continuing to grow and learn, and quite honestly, amaze the medical community.  His last cardiology appointment was a few weeks back and his heart is looking very healthy.  What is most frightening to me how quickly life is passing these days.  Jack is taller and more talkative everyday, and I can feel him growing up and away from me, the way children do, but mothers dread.  He loves school and is learning so much, and he seems destined to have the love of reading and knowledge that I have enjoyed.

My business efforts have been paying off in the past year and I’m starting to see some good traction and growth. I wake up each morning looking forward to the opportunity to help my clients grow their businesses and, thereby, improve the community I live in.  I used to always feel superfluous as a sales rep for  large companies, telling myself that we “weren’t curing cancer” and that what I did didn’t really matter.  And maybe this business isn’t really as important as healing people, but I am helping them to realize their goals of having successful businesses.  I love helping people learn new things, and that has become a major focus of my company lately.

Some of the things I will write about include making the decision to commit to my business and really try to make a go of it as an entrepreneur.  Some of the highlights include a trip to California, where I met a personal business inspiration and several women who continue to amaze me with their success and willingness to help one another.  I can’t wait to tell you about that trip!

And in what is a surprise to no one, except for me, I am dating.  Close friends frequently told me that I would date again, but I was happy alone, and dating is exhausting. Lots of people told me that men were “intimidated by me” and that’s why they didn’t ask me out.

Apparently being an intelligent, independent, single mother with her shit together is far less attractive than the feminists would have us believe.  Well, I have no time to invest in making a man feel superior to me, so I didn’t waste time with it.  I knew that there had to be a man out there who was not only NOT intimidated by me, but could hold his own, celebrate my strength, and still make me feel like a pretty, pretty princess.  And y’all, I found him.

At least I may have…

It’s still very new, and who knows what will happen, but we are enjoying each other now and he is teaching me a lot about relaxing and enjoying life.  And Jack thinks he’s really fun, too.

OK, so there you go.  A quick peek into the past 12 months.  As promised, I will detail a few highlights and keep you posted on the awesome monotony that is daily life around here.  I no longer feel like my happiness is a year away.  It’s always just around the corner, if not all around me like the blessings and joys I’ve found lately.  I just had to look.

Good to see y’all again!

Maggie