it is important to remember that, like wild animals, they are probably more afraid of you than you are of them.
Since yesterdays phone call, when the “big meet and greet” was scheduled, I have tried to figure out what the hell I was feeling. Not mad or jealous. I no longer love LK. Not anger or rage. I can’t see any way in which that helps me to heal or be a good mother or person. So, what was it? Confusion? Sure. Anxiety? A little. Fortunately, today I had a previously scheduled appointment with my therapist.
I asked her if it was that I “didn’t care” and whether I was putting Jack’s safety at risk in order to allow LK access to Jack, which I think is such an important part of Jack’s life. She reminded me that if the deal was that Jack could be with his father, but they would be riding motorcycles around I-285, then I would certainly not allow it. This is a meeting with someone who may be a good influence on Jack, another person to love him, someone to help keep him safe. And my goal in life is to raise Jack to be healthy and happy, make sure that every person available to love him is allowed to do so. She reminded me that it was okay to let others do that, even if I was the best at it.
I was okay most of the day, and for the most part, the reactions from friends and family were that I was handling it well, being impartial until I had all the facts, and taking the high road in working towards a Jack-centered solution. Unfortunately, a few people have to add things like “well, I knew it, he must have been seeing her before he even left you” and “no way would I allow them around Jack! You have to put a stop to this!” I don’t see how any of these things are helpful, but because I am such a beacon of calm and “high road taking awesomeness” I didn’t let it affect me. I am finding that many people enjoy drama, and reality television, and want to see me angry because it is entertaining, not because it will accomplish anything. I was going into this meeting hopeful that she would be a good person and that I wouldn’t have to prevent a relationship with Jack. Optimism and hope are all that got me through the first few months when Jack was so sick and fragile. How could that not be the best option here?
She was beautiful. Dammit! Ten years younger than me. Dammit!! And mature, thoughtful and extremely considerate of the situation and what I have been through in the past two years. I utilized my corporate recruiting and negotiating skills in the most important discussion of my life and I left feeling good that, for this trip at least, I was comfortable with Jack being in their care. I asked open ended questions; What do you know of our situation? What is your understanding of Jack’s condition? What experience do you have with children? Are you willing to take CPR and first aid classes? Are you clear on the early warning signs of heart failure? What are your plans with LK? Do you understand LK’s obligations, financially and personally, to Jack? Are you okay with those?
She wasn’t clear on the early warning signs of heart failure, but was very interested to learn them and said she wanted to be taught as much as I thought was necessary to care for Jack. She did know many of the signs of distress and knew an alarmingly large amount of the truth regarding how LK had left and how he had abandoned Jack in the beginning. I was pleased to find that he hadn’t sugar coated (lied) the story.
They stayed for nearly two hours, and the three of us talked, but I also sent LK out so that she and I could talk alone. Without divulging them here, I learned many, many things that gave me the information that I needed to feel okay about the situation. She even said that the trip was for LK and Jack and that if I wasn’t on board, she was planning to fly home tomorrow. Very admirable. I don’t think that anyone every truly feels “okay” about meeting their husbands girlfriend, but again, I am approaching this as meeting a new team member on the “Love and Care for Jack” team.
So, in the end, I got a good first impression and told them that I thought it would be okay for them to travel with Jack this weekend. But I made it clear that this would be an ongoing conversation and that if at any time my feelings changed, I would let them know and unless I was again satisfied that Jack’s best interests were at the forefront, that this arrangement would be halted.
I am feeling pretty good about myself. I am forgiving, though it will take a very long time to forget, and I know that letting go of the anger is better for my heart, and certainly my soul. What do you know, I found some of that “soul spackle” that I was looking for last week.
I will spend tomorrow planning my weekend of luxury and relaxation. And I will be sure to schedule a few calls to Baby J. Which she suggested and encouraged. She even texted her number to me after they left just in case I have trouble reaching LK’s phone. I think I like her more than LK.
Breathing deeply and keeping calm,