I had no idea it had been nearly four months since my last post. Life goes by so quickly and while I know that I have done a lot since that last post, I am amazed at how much is left to be done. And isn’t that a wonderful way to live? To wake up every morning with a list of things to accomplish? Oh the accomplishments in the past four months…..
By the end of January, my divorce from LK was final, and while we still have occasional issues, we have settled into a comfortable, Jack-focused, civility that I am at peace with. I have forgiven him for so much, but still feel I need to protect Jack from him. Which I don’t. He is trying his best and I am glad for it. Jack needs his father in his life and I am in love with Jack, so I will make it as easy as possible.
Jack turned two this month and that was such an amazing day! I remember, vividly, being told that he had a serious heart defect, and that he may not even survive his birth. The days when I only ate or got of bed because I had a son to live for and take care of are painful reminders of my past. But to see him now, I am just amazed and blessed. All the fighting and crying, all the nights I slept at the hospital, or not at all… They were all worth it. He is an amazing beacon of light and source of happiness and I love him more every single day.
I finished a lot of soul searching, looking for my passion and started a new business. I am now a “Social Media Consultant.” I had no idea that this was what I would be doing, but by following every opportunity that came my way in the past few months, it literally fell into my lap. I have a wonderful mentor and a few great clients and, for now at least, I can support Jack without leaving him for 10 hours a day, and it feels wonderful. It has been a very stressful time, becoming self employed, but the blessings continue to come my way, so I am thankful and continue to welcome them.
Another big change in my life has been that I have begun dating again. I felt that it was important to wait until the divorce was final to start dating again, and in so doing, I was single (but not yet ready to mingle) for nearly three years. I really didn’t want to enter a relationship until I was healed anyway. What hope of success can a relationship have if I wasn’t able to trust anyone? But now I think I can. Or, at least I think that I can choose better. We’ll see how that goes.
I have been on a few dates so far and I can tell you this: Dating at 36 (with a child) is a whole different ballgame than dating as a 20-something single woman. The stakes are so much higher, and my patience for games is practically non-existent. Does that mean that a relationship “just for fun” is out of the picture? No. I am not looking to get married and have kids by the end of the year, that is for sure. Sometimes, just having someone to go to dinner with is a welcome change from the dinner at home monotony of single life. But I have very particular criteria for the kind of man that won’t fit into my life, and I won’t change myself to fit his mold of what kind of woman I should be. And isn’t that better?
The trick now will be to find a man strong enough to handle me. I have been told many times that I am the strongest woman a person has ever known. But even the strongest woman wants to be taken care of sometimes. It’s not reasonable to be the strong one all the time. It’s exhausting, and scary, and lonely. So hopefully, somewhere there is a man being prepared to be my partner. Lucky him. 😉
I may share a few of the more interesting stories of my dating experiences in the near future. I am keeping a journal, as usual, so all the ridiculous, charming, wonderful and awful things that I see are safe and recorded. But for right now, I am going to keep them to myself. I have only been “out there” for about a month and I think I need to reflect a bit before sharing. What I can say is that it is fun and frustrating and exciting and terrifying, all at the same time.
I kind of feel like a kid again. One with a mortgage and a 401(k), but still…